I have so many thoughts in my head right now, lingering thoughts, it’s a mess up here.
College is hard, no fucking shit. It’s hard. I’m not going to sugarcoat it or what, but it is, I can’t post the full details here but here it goes:
I can’t decide whether I want to continue or not, I’m no longer happy with what I’m doing like I used to back in high school, maybe my interests on certain matters shifted or maybe because I’m just going through a really hard time with all the workloads and shit, I used to think that I was impenetrable and that nothing can bring me down but right now I’m lower than low, don’t get me wrong I still have my big plans with me and what I want to be in the future but I don’t how to get there, it’s in blurred lines. I always say that if you’re not happy with something, someone or the situation you’re in just leave like what’s the point of doing something if you’re not happy with what you’re doing, it’s going to show on your work and on yourself, but the thought of leaving? Right now, it’s not that easy to decide.
My friends and classmates in College said that I should just let it go, if I want to, it’s a free world anyway and I can decide whatever the fuck I want, but you see, it’s easier said than done especially on something that might bring bigger opportunities with you.
In the end, I always think of my happiness, but isn’t that selfishness? You’re only thinking of your happiness, what about others like my parents or friends or sibling or etc. The main point is, I’m stressed, possibly depressed too but I don’t know so let’s put that aside for now, and unhappy with what I’m going through right now, a friend of mine once said that, at least I gained some experience and I now know how it feels and maybe next time, I can try again and if not, at least my knowledge about that certain matter increased.
I don’t know, I always suck at making decisions, I always keep on pressuring myself, actually my biggest enemy is myself, I have all these insecurities inside me but I keep it bottled up inside there, I know it’s not good to keep it bottled up inside, I know, I’m hard-headed.
College is really the time you get to know yourself better and discover yourself more, you either use it to your advantage or you don’t, either way you decide your own destiny and whether you choose right or wrong, in the end you learned a lesson from it and as Queen Latifah once said, “I made decisions that I regret, and I took them as learning experiences… I’m human, not perfect, like anybody else”
So I didn’t get in to my dream university…
The moment I saw my DLSUCET results, I wasn’t that shocked that I didn’t pass, maybe because I already anticipated that I’m not going to pass, I prayed a lot to God that I hope I passed the college entrance exam, but I guess He has better plans for me! :)
Yes, I cried because DLSU is my dream school and that was my preferred course and knowing that I didn’t pass and wasn’t good enough just sucks and frustrated me, but I’m still thankful to God that He has given me this opportunity..
I’m also happy because some of my friends passed the DLSUCET and I’m so proud of them no matter what and they really did deserve it, I was just hoping that I was one of those people who will rejoice because I passed, but life is life and it doesn’t always go your way, sometimes you need surpass trials and rejections like this.
I’m so thankful to my friends who cheered me up and said that God has a better plan for me and He knows exactly where I belong, I prayed to Him that if I passed the DLSUCET I’ll praise Him and if I don’t, I’ll still praise Him. All I know is I shouldn’t give up, if I really want to study in this school, I should do everything possible to do so.
DLSU has reconsideration for those student who didn’t pass the test but still want to try and study there but they must choose another course. I think I’m going to take that reconsideration test, I’m going to think about it.
Congratulations to those who passed!!! :)
"God answers in three ways: He says yes and gives you what you want, He says no and gives you something better or He says wait and gives you the best"
I’m Actually Scared…
I’m actually scared of what college is going to be…
Yes, I say I’m excited in what college is going to be but at the same time I’m also scared, I’m going to meet and encounter new people, plus the people that I used to see everyday, I won’t see them anymore. (Unless we’re studying in the same university/college)
I don’t know what’s going to happen in college, I’m scared of leaving all my friends in High School, we’re all moving forward and actually growing up, but they are also right, this is part of growing up, meeting new people and possibly become friends with them.
But I always try to look on the bright side and there are plenty things to be happy about once you’re in college.
I’m anticipating on what’s going to happen. After all, college is just right on the corner and time flies so fast.
Let’s Face It…
Let’s face it, no matter how much we say that we don’t care how people judge or see us, we still care.
I always say that I don’t care what people think of me, but sometimes I do, you know when there are times you just don’t give a fuck about what others think about you? And there are times when it kills you when people judge you, by being you or by the clothes you wear, by being who you are.
For me though, the worse feeling in the World (besides being heartbroken & shit) is being judged, especially when you are just being you and when people judge you when they don’t know anything about you or your life.
I get really insecure with myself when people judge me on the way I act and the way I buy/wear/choose clothes, I don’t want to settle for “okay” I want something unique which brings out my personality and what I’m about, and I can’t express that with the clothes I wear, I don’t know why people create such a big fuss, I mean c’mon they’re just clothes.
Second is the music you listen to, as much as possible I don’t judge people on what music they listen to, cause I know how it feels, I’m a little monster (Lady Gaga fan) so majority of the songs I listen to are that of Lady Gaga, so I’m just frustrated when people say her music is shit and why do I even listen to her, I mean c’mon we have our own different taste of music, so stfu, I don’t judge you by what music you listen to.
It’s okay sometimes that you care about what others think of you or how they judge you, but let it define your life, once in a while you can listen to them, maybe they are correct, but sometimes it’s the gut feeling that counts, so just follow what you want. :)
The moment I become attached to a person it’s so hard to let go, and they are all important to me, they are all important to me, but who am I to them? Am I this person who listen to their shits and say that everything’s going to be okay, give them advice about looking on the brighter side or am I this person to them who’s like me, just me, nothing more. How important am I to them? Maybe that’s the reason, I don’t feel important enough to feel important to them when I treat them so important. I can’t handle what things might happen to them and me, on what could happen to us.
Sometimes I feel like it’s okay for them to lose me but I can’t with them, I got so overly attached that I’m having issues of letting go and holding on, that’s what happens when I love a person dearly, and I love them dearly like with all of my heart and I don’t feel exactly the same, that’s why I’m trying to distance myself for awhile, give some time to think about what’s all happening, why’s this happening.
Sometimes you have to realize that people will eventually leave you, come and go, in and out of your life, and you have to accept those facts even though they’re hard to, you just need to.
I’m so having these thoughts lately, I just keep on hiding them so that they won’t have to worry or if they even feel worried. It’s so hard to paint a smile on your face everyday just so that everyone will stop asking what the fuck is wrong when inside you’re being killed slowly.
I just need some time to think, but that’s not gonna happen anytime soon, School is shitty, I feel shitty. Ugh.
I’m typing/writing this right now, gathering my thoughts, thinking of the outcome, thinking of all the possibilities, thinking of the future.
And if you read all through out this post, I’d like to thank you for reading and putting up with my shit. It is gladly appreciated. And I hope you feel loved.
Been having random thoughts lately…
I feel so unimportant to people, like I treat very important in my life and I just like feel shit to them. I just can’t express my thoughts right now, I don’t know what’s going on with me, I’ve never felt this way before but now all these feelings started emerging out of nowhere.
I don’t even wanna go to School anymore, I mean what’s the fucking point? I can’t open up with my friends, I just feel like they won’t understand me or what I’m going through. People judge all too easily, they have never been in my shoes and probably never will be. We have our own personal struggles. I just feel tired and shitty and fucking unimportant and jaded and taken for granted. I’m just tired of all these bullshits and I wanna escape them.
I don’t know what’s going on with me, I need someone to tell me that everything’s to be alright even though it’s not, I need to feel important to someone, I need to be loved, I need to feel loved. I have so many needs, I’m needy, that’s why, I’m such a needy person, maybe that’s my problem, I don’t know.
Sometimes I wonder what if one day I disappeared? Will someone bother to look for me? Will they be worried? Will they ask questions of where I am? I think not. It gets tiring from time to time. I feel like I always treat them all too importantly and when it comes to me I feel like I’m nothing to them.
I just wanna escape from all of these, I’m so fucking tired, this is so tiring, waking up everyday tired of life, hoping something new and inspiring will happen. I feel tired, uninspired, needy, unimportant, shitty. FUCK.
The ACET Experience…
Just took the ACET (Ateneo De Manila University College Entrance Test) awhile ago, I was in the Morning Session, 7:30AM (Sunday) It was raining hard, as in very hard, it’s such a hassle
So anyways, I was at Room 16 High School Building, the line wasn’t that long.
So the first part of the test was English Proficiency which was easy for me, since it was my forte, the problem is, the time is just not enough, but I’m so glad I finished it beforehand, the essay part was about “FREEDOM” I wrote what I knew about freedom.
The next part is the Mathematics Proficiency this is the part where I say, WHAT THE HELL? I didn’t know what the hell happened, it’s like I’m just sitting and like, what the fuck is this? Did I even review this? Or Did I? I just didn’t review my shit, yes I didn’t review, I know it’s my fault. Anyways, the Math part was really horrid, I cannot.
The part 2 of the test was about General Info, Analogies, Vocabulary, Logical Reasoning, Abstract Reasoning, Numerical Ability, and I know I’ve missed out on some, I can’t remember them. Lol, for me it was okay though, except for the time, which was like 5 - 25 minutes only, it was so time pressured, especially on Abstract Reasoning, I don’t even know what the hell are the figures. Lol. The Numerical Ability too, I feel so dumb at Math right now, it’s like everything I studied the last 4 years of my life has been thrown out of the window. Ugh. I feel disappointed, but at the same time relief that it’s over.
Though I’m still hoping that I pass, and I know it might be a slim chance because of the result of my test, but I’m really hoping that I might pass the ACET, Ateneo is one of those universities that I really wanna get into.
I’ll just let God decide whether or not I’ve passed, and I really prayed before the exam that I pass, cause I really really really wanna pass!
I took up AB Communication (AB-COM) as my first choice there, I forgot my 2nd, 3rd and 4th.
Well, Seniors who took up the ACET, Good luck to us! The results will be released next year! Good luck to us! Lol.
Good and Bad News.
Let me start on the good news first…
So first on the good news list is we won this Filipino presentation thinggy that we’ve been cramming for like 3 days, and it all paid off cause we won and the presentation was literally everywhere it was everywhere we didn’t know what to do and some of us forgot the lines, but we still managed to win.
Second is, I passed my Economics exam, which is very good, because I needed to pass that exam in order to have a good and satisfying grade on my report card.
Third and final is, I passed my Physics exam!! Yess! I’m so ecstatic because I really want to pass that exam, I need that in order not to fail Physics (Science) on my report card, which is by the way the biggest point unit, it is a 1.8 unit subject, if you fail it’ll be like failing 2 subject, so anyways, I literally thought I’m going to fail that exam, but I didn’t! I’m so happy! I prayed hard for this and it all paid off, thank you so much God! :)
Then on the bad news…
I failed at the average grade on my Chinese grade, it’s considered “Foreign Language” on my English report card, since I’m studying on a Filipino-Chinese school, we have English and Chinese report card, I failed at the average grade of my Chinese grade, my grade is 73, very disappointing, plus it’s so hard to get a good grade, not like when we were still Juniors, and they expect us to cope to it in a matter of few weeks, being a Senior student in Chinese class is so hard. =_=
So now I’m just waiting for my Mathematics, Filipino, English and Statistics exam results, I hope I passed all of this. Wish me luck guys! :)